Ever since I started having children almost 6 years ago, pieces of me have been lost and replaced by new pieces. For instance, my desire to blast music in my headphones and dance every night has been replaced by my desire to sleep. My desire to sleep in late has been replaced by my desire to have my children sleep in late so that I’m allowed the pleasure of waking up before them. My desire to go out with my husband has been replaced by a desire to … well, that one is the same. … Good on us, right?
My point is, motherhood changes you. In mostly good ways, yes. But it is hard to hold on to anything of your own when you are giving literally everything you have to another human, or in my case, humans. Four humans to be exact (five when you include my husband).
I am not saying I would like to change the fact that I am a mother, I would simply like to convey my daily dilemmas and let other mums know that they are not alone.
This morning I woke up, determined, ready, and excited to finish a freelance writing project that I have been putting on the back burner. As always, my enthusiasm and energy dwindled over the hours I was awake as a hoard of small children calling me “Mum” demanded my time and attention. The morning moved fast and I tried to keep up. I made a cup of coffee, moved the recliner to block the basement door so that my toddler wouldn’t make a run for it while I showered (generally I wait for my husband who works nights to wake up, but like I said, today I was determined).
I then got dressed, changed 2 diapers, made 2 bottles, made 2 cups of milk, let the dog out, brought my laptop to the kitchen with my notebook and pens, made 5 waffles with the help of my toaster, made 2 sausage biscuits with the help of my microwave, washed the dishes, ran the dishwasher, loaded the washer, turned on Netflix for my kids, and many times during and in-between these chores, I sat down and tried to write. Every attempt to write was met with a child. A child crawling on me, a child asking for something, a child crying, a child arguing with another child, you get the picture. Even now as I write this from my phone which I thought might be the only way I could finish my articles, I am being crawled all over by my larger than average 20-month-old.
(Me and said 20-month-old, as I attempt writing this blog)
Motherhood is incredible, but it’s also the most difficult thing I will likely ever do in my life. At times, I feel lost and desperate for time to myself and other times I miss my children when they are sleeping and spend my free time looking at their pictures and planning their birthday parties.
Being a mum is a balancing act and though I haven’t quite found the right balance yet, I have learned a few things. Most importantly, I know I am never alone. For every boogie wiped on my pants (my kid’s boogies, not mine), I know that there is another Mum out there with just as many dirty nappies in her waste bin, both of us silently cheering the other on.